Introspection: When in the Rainy season
Shakespeare compared different stages of life to the seasons of nature. So this makes it my Rainy Season.
In my mid thirties, 2 kids in tow and a love/hate relationship with my soon to be ex- husband. This was the woman I was, when Shabin came into my life.
Several years younger, inexperienced in our particular field of work, and basically quite worldly shy, Shabin had always been on the fringes of my friend circle. He was more friends with my sis than he had been with me, but the day we realised we were fast becoming friends, the years and differences just blurred.
Hard Introspection : Did I give up on my marriage because I had a plan B? Well, No. But I'll be lying if I said it didn't help to have this shoulder to lean on for the hard journey ahead.
I was an emotional wreck. Bitter and angry. The best release was to hurt someone because I was hurting.
My depression didn't look like the movie ones. My hair wasn't in tangles, there were no Baskin Robbins ice creams directly eaten from the carton. I dressed up and went about my chores, and mom - taxi business like any other year. Attended parties and shopped and posted pictures and enjoyed the moments. I genuinely did. I lived well because my kids needed me to. I needed me to.
But there was a sad hard side to me too.
There were angry words spoken and fights and tears. I equally lashed out at this new, gentle guy and equally begged him to save himself from me.
I couldn't fathom why a man would want this, Me. Plus I didn't want to change. Didn't want to accept that I needed Help.
Introspection : Did I throw myself pity parties because I could? Maybe, a bit.
There were severe bouts of self -pity and lowest self- esteem.
It helped me feel better about the whole shambles. It was easier than facing the fact that I had perhaps failed a bit of life. I had given up.
But like all rainy seasons, mine came with a deluge. A determination to chip away at my rock hard walls and it came with a rainbow and a bloom that I began to savour. My heart started to heal and I grew up. I forgave and asked for forgiveness. I accepted my shortcomings, saw the need to change what I could, dealt with difficult conversations, made peace with my past, bawled all sorts of fresh tears... But I rose up. And walked into the storm.
It is never easy. This is a simplified account of the actual anguish the journey of divorce and death of relationships bring. The delicate balance of new introductions and blended relationships bring.
But Rains are never simple. They purge and leave a new beginning. New friendships, new acceptances, new conversations. ( More on these in the posts to come)
My rainy walks now involve a new partner. A new kindred spirit. A new strength that I needed to continue Life.
Introspection: Was I greedy to want more in these years? Maybe, by some thinking.
Me? I just got better equipped to weather the Tempest.