There's nothing more moving than nostalgia. It brings up gooey feelings of sweetness and some craving for what was.
But it also has a very weird way of brushing away all the bad, the ugly, the stormy. Like we see all the past with some tinted shades and forget about all the nasty stuff.
Hence my new series : Introspection.
Here I want to focus objectively. Not to crib nor to tarnish memories, but as an exercise to learn from my past.
When In the Spotlight: the ex- Wife Edition.
I was thinking back on the memories of me as a wife.
I got married to my childhood sweetheart at the age of 21. Had kids by the age of 23 and 27, gave up what could've been a career to be a stay at home mum. By choice.
We were happy and we were friends. We had that same taste in movies and didn't make a big deal out of things. Got up, bundled up the kids and went away doing our thing when we felt like it.
Loved to travel together, without the kids and also as a family.
But this was life. Obviously not just the good stuff. And beware, I'm only going to speak about me. This isn't where a blame game happens. So if you're here thinking you're going to hear some salvo against my ex, stop reading. We are still best friends.
At the same time, I refuse to play the villain, as I wasn't that either.
Back to the nostalgia.
What isn't mentioned in the description above is the days I didn't bother putting in as much as I probably should have, in the kitchen, or outside.
There's no mention of days when I had periods and I hated myself and felt like a bloated ship and took it out on him.
I haven't told you about the nights I spent crying in his ears cos of some issue that I didn't let go off.....
I haven't mentioned His shortcomings and the triggers it caused between us.
My introspection hence was about seeing the true years in it's full. Heights and dumps.
Let's not raise eyebrows yet. All of you who are married are testament that this isn't My problem alone. It wasn't what was wrong with our marriage. ALL marriages have this in varying degrees.
I know one couple where the husband is the clingy one.
Another couple poops together. Disgusting, but it's true. They actually have commodes next to each other. It's their thing.
Some couples have a shared FB account, while others have locks on their phones.
Everyone one has a journey to get through. It's a path. Ups and downs. And we traversed ours. Saw the worst of each other, but the best of each other was still worth holding on for.
Until it wasn't. Because somewhere along the way we realised that the best of us was nowhere to be seen anymore. We couldn't be bothered.
Balcony waving stopped, accountability stopped, there was no praying together anymore (biggest red flag), planning around each other stopped, tears had no effect on each other anymore. The fights didn't hurt anymore, our time together wasn't being cherished anymore.. The cold had crept in.
Introspection : Should we have tried harder? Was there a retreat that might have changed things? So much second guessing.
But hindsight is 20:20. So I'll give you this : We need to put ourselves under the spotlight. It's the place where our shadows get highlighted. The darkness that makes you emotionally weary, the deviation that you shrugged away and that has now became a habit, your partner's feelings that you chose to ignore, but are now de-sensitised to.. the list is shockingly long, and you and I are not immune to it.
When in the Spotlight: that's the place to show yourself to your partner. Vulnerability is not shameful, in the presence of love, it's your strongest weapon. We need an armour on the battlefield, so if your relationship feels like it, GET HELP.
Introspection is a cleanse. It hurts your guts, but reminds you why some things are better taken care of.
This was not a speech. This is me verbalising what some of you cannot. Talk to me, DM me, tell me your point of view, counter view, pictures... I want to hear from you.:)