The Return Of the Blocked Writer.
Hello, lovely readers, and my friends and fam who have no say in the matter.
I'm aware that I've been missing from the Blogosphere and this time, it was just a Writer's Block.
When I say "just" I'm downplaying it. It is much more than just a matter of walking it off or clearing your mind of cobwebs or any other clichéd responses we're so often advised.
No seriously, my last post was in February of this year! And I just couldn't get myself to write.
The writer's block is not that I had stopped having anything to say.
It's that my thoughts are just as clear in my head. They just don't translate to pen and paper. In this case, my keyboard.
It's so much more than being stuck for ideas. Because it feels like a prison. The thoughts are loud and clear to the point of shouting in my head, and I kept thinking, "I need to blog this. I need to write this down." And then nothing. The rest of my willpower and hands just wouldn't cooperate.
The writer's block to me should be seen as a high functioning depressive episode.
This is NOT to undermine people going through proper depression, and anxiety and pills or counselling session. Please cater to them as a priority.
I'm talking about seeing the writer's block on some level on the spectrum.
Because I'm thinking thoughts, doing my chores, working on my styling projects, talking to my kids, helping them with their projects, ordering fun stuff, helping at the Kid's ministry at Church ( which in itself is an exercise in patience and creativity), partnering in my husband's work...
So as you can see, it's not creativity that has been plugged. It's the writing.
And while I express myself with verbal conversations and my work, there's a part of me that got wary of putting my words in writing.
I don't know why. But it's a sad cloud that comes over me and makes me think that my written words don't matter. And that since my livelihood or that of someone else does not depend on my blogging, it should not be a priority for me.
So I would log in, and then tell myself that what I need more than writing, is to play a nice game of Hidden Express on FB ( Aside: It's an awesommmmeeee game).
And any other chores that "need to be done".
What I wasn't seeing was that I needed to stop and check that it was more than a mood thing. It was a chemical thing too.
This lethargy had to do with going to a point of emotional and physical fatigue. To be honest, I do not lead a physically gruelling life at all. My friends do. They wake up at 4:30 and get started on their day. Cooking, dressing kids, going to their jobs etc. Not me at all!
And so it was a build-up of emotional and spiritual fatigue.
So the other thing stopping me was worrying that I would spew, my disappointments onto paper. And name names! Haha. Can you imagine?
This has to do with life and the routines and disappointments, that are a part of life. Some of us are more susceptible. And I think that the biggest enemy of healing is not a lack of resources and tools. It is denial.
And this stems from our cultural upbringing of not giving mental health its due importance.
But more than that, in our modern-day context, it comes from the pressure of image and the lack of identification that there is a whole spectrum of people who are completely functional, successful and productive on the outside, but are not wholly themselves in so many other ways.
I have a friend who leads a team, creates stuff all day long, is a shoulder to almost all his friends. And many a time his day starts as a crying mess. Snotty, ugly tears shed, he then gets out of bed, shakes it off and goes about his "productive successful day".
And such is life. When you have responsibilities and you're a member of a society, you do what it takes. You get up and adult.
My point to this blog post is that if you identify with any of the above, please get help.
And just as it's awesome that you do what it takes to live a life that's beyond thinking only of yourself, please reach out and get the help and the tools and the support you can get to be a better version of yourself.
I want to tell you that, yes, you can " do this", and yes, you can pray about it and take it to God first. And then you get up and use the resources God has placed in your way.
The difference between struggling without help, and struggling with help, is that although your struggle and problems don't disappear miraculously, you just get there faster.
It's not about shortcuts. It's about being an actual, fully functioning person, rather than a shell of one.
It's the difference between pretending to have it all under control and actually having things in order.
It's the difference between a clean looking room and being able to open cupboards in front of your guests. :D
I do have a grouse against people who take this to the other extreme. They're all about self-care and self-importance and can make any situation about themselves and how it affects them. Even other people's graves are their personal demons.
Ignore these types. This is in itself a toxic trait.
But check on your creative friends. Sometimes we're not ok. Sometimes we just need a nudge. Sometimes a hug. And sometimes just a firm shake.
In my case, send me a box of assorted fancy tea and a note to guilt me into writing.